The Fascination of Balance

Balance is fascinating. Words repeated many times over. My life is limited because of cancer, yet it is at the same time full. Every minute counts because I truly know that it might be my last. The things that I am accomplishing are not great feats, but I would not be doing them had it not been for my diagnosis. I've met people that would have never crossed my path without this disease and I wonder why it is that they have. What is my purpose?

Only one week...and in that week I've experienced the magic of Jim Belushi and The Sacred Hearts band, felt full scale the downs and ups of cancer, and enjoyed the chaotic comforts of home. I went for my scan on Monday and then to my IT chemo so, with some luck, I wouldn't have to drive back into town on Tuesday. I noticed partway home that there was a shadow in the vision of my right eye. When I walked in the door, Katie immediately asked what happened. What I couldn't tell without looking in the mirror was that my face was swollen. From the port at the top of my head down to my cheekbone was all puffy. I had something similar happen last year and was confident that there was a fluid leak and when Dr. W's office finally called back they agreed and said that as long as there was no redness, fever, etc. that it should dissipate overnight. By morning, I couldn't open my eye.

I had fully psyched myself up for my scans to bring good news just as I had planned for the swelling to disapper. I wanted to hear words that would show how well my chemo cocktail is working and that the track I am on is the correct one. Instead, the results made it clear that another stepping stone is needed. Deep down, there have been signals and signs that I've tried to ignore. I decided that instead of dwelling on results that I could not change, that I would take the rest of the week off from "strategizing my next cancer step" to fully enjoy the week at home with Ronnie and the girls and to think about the wonders in my life.

I triumph with every breath I take.....and as I watch my husband, my children, and the friends that surround me I hope that they too are finding the deliciousness that living fully has at hand. I want my girls to carry with them the memory of waking up to the smell of breakfast in the morning, of sharing giggles and happiness while getting ready for the day, of racing across the meadow on horseback, and the teammanship they have on their drill team; to cherish the closeness of a family that loves them, of celebrating successes through trial and error, and to revel in the beauty of God's grace. I want them to realize that life isn't always easy but that every second is meaningful. I want them to never take for granted the miracle of being alive. My purpose, perhaps, is in ensuring that they discover the blessing of turning the ordinary into the extraordinary and by showing them the wonder of balance that is found in making positives out of negatives; of demonstrating that it is possible to roll with the bad and move forward with the beauty and good. For It is the balance that makes life full.

May you experience extraordinary blessings and find the fascination of balance in all that you do,

Suzanne